5 Stages of Getting Fat
18:48:00
It starts without warning. It isn't about laziness. It isn't about a lack of discipline. It isn't about you. Everything changes slowly, steadily. Clothes get tighter, breathing gets labored, plates get cleaner. And that's how it starts. The hunger, the rage, the feeling of powerlessness that turns skinny men...fat.
If you have experienced any of the above, you might just be me. Over the past few months or so, I began a transformation that many people had doubted was even possible. I began to put on the pounds. My slim figure was punctuated by rolling slabs of flesh. My sharp, chiseled jawline of which I was so proud of, was slowly rounding out. My Adam's apple, often the most prominent feature I have, was beginning to get swallowed up by the layers.
But here's the thing about getting fat. You don't know you're getting fat until you're already fat. Sure, a few passing remarks by the people who see you often; "Wow looking rounder these days", "Someone's been having a very itchy mouth lately", "Holy smackerel! you're fat now!", but these are comments that a person who doesn't know what it's like to gain weight will never understand.
You know, just like me.
You know, just like me.
I've never believed in karma. Now, it's difficult to not believe in the concept. I've made fun of my friends plenty in the past; making fun of their weight, their fear of eating too much, their worry about getting "fat". I've laughed the hardest at people who had the most pained expressions when faced with a moist chocolate cake. I've stuffed my mouth full in front of friends who opted for the salad over the juicy piece of steak. I've asked people, with an almost haughty tone of voice, "What is fats?"
I mean okay. I've put on some weight over the past few months. But what if it doesn't stop. What if it never stops? What if I'm destined to live this life as Gluttinous Maximus? I've tried tightening the belt. Literally. I have. But my latest effort in putting a belt around my waist ended with the belt buckle snapping off, and the buckle disappearing somewhere, presumably to file a complaint for unwarranted abuse. Oh my fats, what kind of monster have I become?!
FATS is the THING that is making me INCREASINGLY ROUNDER BY THE FREAKING DAY. FATS is the THING NESTLING SNUGLY around my stomach area. FATS is the thing that RIPPED the BUTTONS OFF, NOT ONLY ONE BUT TWO FREAKING PAIRS OF MY FAVORITE SHORTS. FATS is the JIGGLING FLOB of FLUBBER I see EVERY FREAKING TIME I dry myself off in front of my bathroom mirror. DON'T YOU EVEN DARE SAY THAT WORD IN FRONT OF ME OR I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS RIGHTEOUS THAT I WILL FLAY YOU AND YOUR LYING MOUTH. Please. Just...believe me.
I'll be perfectly honest. It's not my fault. It isn't me being lazy. It isn't me having any lack of discipline. Besides, I didn't just pop on 100 pounds overnight. Sure, I eat a lot, but that's because I still hit the gym very often. It balances all out at the end. Really. It does. It's always been like that. I eat a lot, I don't get fat. It's normal for a growing boy like me. So, I'll just eat. I don't care. So what if I get fatter? Everything will balance out. It always does in the end. Right?
I mean okay. I've put on some weight over the past few months. But what if it doesn't stop. What if it never stops? What if I'm destined to live this life as Gluttinous Maximus? I've tried tightening the belt. Literally. I have. But my latest effort in putting a belt around my waist ended with the belt buckle snapping off, and the buckle disappearing somewhere, presumably to file a complaint for unwarranted abuse. Oh my fats, what kind of monster have I become?!
I'm fat. I won't even try to sugar coat it because I'll probably want to eat that too.
Cheerios!
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