So, I've been using Tinder for the past few months now. If you don't know what Tinder is, it's a great social messaging app for sad, single people to meet up with other sad, single people in hopes of sparking some sort of romantic chemistry through their phone screens. It's ingenious because both parties have to mutually agree to want to chat with each other, rather than a one-sided online love affair. So technically, if you're a plain Joe(l) like me, you'll be facing weeks and weeks of rejection from total strangers, and that one person on your Facebook friend list who doesn't know how you two became friends.

It's a sad, sad life.

But I also noticed a few trends among the people I flip through on a daily basis. I've lumped them into 6 different types of Tinder users below, because it's been scientifically proven that an article with a numerical digit in front of the title will automatically get more attention.

#6 The Landscape

Beautiful rolling seas, a lush snow-capped mountain, a field of yellow daffodils...amazing sights that wouldn't be out of place in National Geographic documentary about nature's beauty. The same pictures on Tinder however draws not only anger, but also disgust and a hatred so deep that even Adele would find difficulty in rolling in it. I'm here to find a potential life partner, not scroll though your desktop background.
See also: the Cartoon because it's essentially the same freaking thing. YOU'RE NOT A CARTOON DAMMIT.

#5 The Facebookers

There are millions of fetishes around the world. Some like it kinkier than others, some like it weird; who am I to judge? But no amount of weird, kinky fetishes will explain getting hot for the default Facebook profile picture. The Facebook default picture is put there for a reason; it's so horrifyingly shapeless that it spurs users to quickly upload a picture of themselves. And yet, the Facebookers insist on showing the formless, genderless creature. DON'T YOU HAVE A CONSCIENCE?!

#4 The Couple

I like to admire girls on Tinder. It's a wee bit more difficult to admire a girl when the beefy arms of her boyfriend are wrapped tightly around her. I mean, c'mon! You're already a couple happily in a relationship. Don't go on Tinder and spoil the market and make so many sad, lonely guys like myself feel even worse.

#3 The Traveller

The joy of travelling abroad, visiting all the different parts of the world. A picture tells a thousand words; words that will eventually work to sum up the magnificent time you had sipping coffee in Paris, or when you trekked the jungles of the Amazon. The Traveller shows you how vast the difference between themselves and you really is; they're off riding elephants in the reserves of Thailand while you're sitting at home facing a screen and pawing at the girls that appear on it. A miserable life.

#2 The Party Animal

Everyone is entitled to let their hair down once in a while and just party like there's no tomorrow. The Party Animal takes this literally because they party so hard that today and tomorrow are merely words in a dictionary. Every single one of their pictures is either them downing an entire bottle of champagne, or just headbanging to the music in every music festival ever. The Party Animal shows you how happening they really are through their neon-tinted photos. A person who dances to trance must surely be a beast on the dancefloor, right?

#1 The "Miss Personalitits"

There will be a time when they tell you that it's what's inside that really counts. The "Miss Personalitits" doesn't have this problem, because it's all literally hanging out for all to see. And it's fantastic.

Join Tinder please and send me messages. It's been months since I last talked to a human being. Please, for the love of me. ACCEPT MY LIKE!

Cheerios!