4 Kinds of Comas Everyone Falls Into During Chinese New Year
10:44:00
Chinese New Year is a time where the whole family travels hundreds of miles to meet up and spend time together, where tonnes of food is ravenously consumed and where little red packets are given to children and 35 year old unmarried men.
As shown.
It's a time of feasting, a time of prosperity and a time where everyone is just generally happy. Gambling, drinking and feasting.
And camwhoring.
What no one really mentions during Chinese New Year is the several kinds of comas that one is prone to fall into. This is because all things bad are generally prohibited from being mentioned during Chinese New Year, which includes death (oops), most forms of badmouthing (although the use of foul language flourishes in abundance) and of course, sicknesses (including my example: comas). But because I'm not really a hundred percent traditional minded, I'm going to just break the taboo and talk about the 4 most common forms of comas most people fall into on Chinese New Year.
#4 Food coma
Like mentioned previously, feasting is an integral part of every Chinese New Year party. In the 15 days of Chinese New Year, a single person is subject to eat approximately 75 meals, including yee sang.
I have done this 6 times this year.
And that's not even including those wicked cookies and tarts that every host will graciously leave out for you at every single house you go visiting.
A food coma is what happens when you eat your 8th meal of the day (true story, my personal best) and have your gracious host hand you a tray of their homemade cookies, which you have to eat because manners. A lot of people think that a food coma is a joke, but let's see how funny it is when you're hanging your head over a toilet bowl and puking 8 meals (again, and unfortunately true story)
#3 Hangover coma
Chinese New Year is a time when the crates and crates of alcohol stored in every Chinese family's house are opened. Alcohol is so important on Chinese New Year that they invented a soft drink with "less than 1% alcohol", just so the little kids can have some alcohol running in their system too. It's no surprise that the hangover rates skyrocket this time of year.
#2 Actual coma
Chinese New Year is a time when almost everyone gets sick, thanks to a mixture of food overdose, drinking copious amounts of alcohol and the weather which cannot freaking decide on what it wants to be. The possibility of spending 2 whole days in bed knocked out on medication, because of a flu, fever or cough (or the unholy trinity altogether) is very real. I should know, I've experienced it.
#1 Questions coma
Chinese New Year is a time to celebrate the togetherness of family, some of whom you may not have seen since the last Chinese New Year gathering. But it's precisely this 'long-lost' relationship between extended family members which make most young people fall into what is known as the questions coma. A questions coma occurs when a young person is trapped in a corner with 10 aunts chitchatting.
Prepare yourselves. The barrage is coming.
The inevitable questions which are bound to come up are:
"Do you have a girlfriend?" (if single)
"When are you getting married?" (if not single)
"What are you studying now?" (if studying)
"What are you working as now?" (if not studying)
Multiply these questions by all 10 aunts sitting in said room (because they don't know what group conversation means). Now, multiply that number with all the houses you'll be visiting for the 15 days of Chinese New Year. Congratulations, you're officially brain dead (oops again)
Which of these comas have you fallen into this Chinese New Year? Me? I've only just recovered from all of them. Enjoy the rest of your Chinese New Year and don't fall any further down into anymore CNY comas.
By the way, since it's Chinese New Year and all, I made a video featuring my whole family. It's called Balik Kampung, and I know it's a little on the late side to balik kampung (everyone is already balik city), but it'll make a whole lot more sense if you watch it.
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